ravenchang

ravenchang @ 2006-09-23T19:13:00

2006-09-23T23:15:58Z

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
I let go

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

ravenchang @ 2006-09-22T02:49:00

2006-09-22T06:50:04Z

*sigh*

FRIENDS ONLY

2006-09-14T02:38:29Z

Viktor and I are on a break. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a wreck of a person. I should probably just stop dating people all together. He is furious with me about Harry and rightfully so. He's been nothing but perfect to me and I do something like this. I just want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. You'd think someone like me... an auror, a Ravenclaw... I'd know better. But I don't. I just don't understand what's so wrong with me. It's probably just everything.

ravenchang @ 2006-09-08T01:14:00

2006-09-08T05:18:41Z

I had everything and I messed it up.

As per usual.

ravenchang @ 2006-08-21T19:53:00

2006-08-21T23:56:38Z

I wonder if I might have never-ending. These past few weeks with Viktor have been absolutely amazing.

[Private]
I kissed Harry. In fact, I don't know how much might've happened if I hadn't messed everything up by worrying about Viktor. Harry told me that he might be in love with me. I don't know what I'm doing. Viktor and I get along amazingly. Harry and I have this up and down past. I don't know. I'm so lost now. I'm always lost. I hate myself for doing this to both of them. I don't know what to do.
[/Private]

ravenchang @ 2006-08-01T00:29:00

2006-08-01T04:34:04Z

I'm tired of fleeting and I want never-ending.

ravenchang @ 2006-07-14T20:03:00

2006-07-15T00:04:30Z

♥

ravenchang @ 2006-05-28T15:01:00

2006-05-28T19:02:27Z

Chris and I are DEFINITELY over. He's a lying, cheating git.

ravenchang @ 2006-04-10T01:37:00

2006-04-10T05:40:10Z

I'm finally going to take my auror test. I've been taking some time off since... everything.

I haven't seen Chris since it all happened. I'm assuming he's fine without me which stings. I'm also leaving this post unlocked so anyone can see it. I don't care anymore.

I'm not sure I believe in love anymore. Why would anyone put themself out there just to get hurt. It's depressing on so many levels. I was better off before ~~Draco~~ I fell in love with anyone.

Viktor... Thanks.

ravenchang @ 2006-04-05T02:09:00

2006-04-05T06:09:47Z

I'm lost. Completely lost.

ravenchang @ 2006-02-26T21:29:00

2006-02-27T02:40:25Z

So Viktor was right. I should've gotten out before this. I should've realized what was going on. Chris has been cheating on me with Su at least twice that he's told me. I don't even need to know anything more than that. I never thought...

Fuck you, Su. If you even read this. You've been a horrible friend and now you've just secured a spot as an enemy.

I don't know what I'm going to do anyway. Fuck. I deserve better than that.

Why does everyone cheat on me? What is it about me? What do or don't I do?

[PRIVATE]
I'm such a bitch. I'm so furious with him but I slept with Draco before anyway. I'm a complete hypocrit. I'm furious with him but I've done the exact same thing. And what's worse? I feel like I have no one to run to. I have no where to go and no one to talk to. I just want to be with Draco. I'm so lonely.
[/PRIVATE]

ravenchang @ 2006-02-12T13:22:00

2006-02-12T18:22:24Z

Chris and I have been spending more time together recently. We're trying to get back what we had. Apparently, it was just that he was stressed out about Quidditch with tryouts. It's been really nice having him around more. I miss him when he's gone. It's tough being alone in the flat anymore. I've grown used to having him here.

I'll be done my training in a weeks time. I'll officially be an auror. I can't believe I'm actually done. I'm so excited and scared.

[PRIVATE TO DRACO]
I'm going crazy. I need to see you again. I miss you, my love. If you find yourself with free time, I'd like to see you. I love you. I wish we could be together.
[/PRIVATE]

ravenchang @ 2006-01-21T12:11:00

2006-01-21T17:12:53Z

[PRIVATE]

I love Chris. He's my best friend and everything I've ever wanted in another person. The problem is that when you really love someone, shouldn't the rest of the world seem obsolete? I always expected that Chris and I could be happy together and maybe we could be. In fact, we are. I just don't know if we'll ever have what I had with...

And Adrian's back. Maybe that's why I'm so confused. He's made it fairly clear that he's over me, but I feel like I'm always going to wonder what if with him. I don't know that I'll ever be able to stop thinking about what might've happened between him and I if I would've given him the chance. I'll always regret that.

Draco and I are talking again. I'm going to see him if this wall ever comes down.
[/PRIVATE]

Can't wait til this weekend, Pen! OWL ME!

Something light hearted... stolen from Lavender!

2006-01-15T08:12:41Z

Write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
Besides the numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want.
Beside 3 and 7 write down the names of members of the opposite sex.
In the 4th, 5th, and 6th write anyone's name.
Write down four song titles in spots 8-11
And then make a wish!

1. 7
2. 3
3. Adrian
4. Chris
5. Katie
6. Remus
7. Draco
8. "Iris"
9. "Don't Forget About Us"
10. "Lady in Red"
11. "The Trouble with Love is"

You must tell the # in space 2 people about this game in the # in space 1 days.
The person in space 3 is the one you love.
The person in 7 is the one you like, but can't work out.
You care most about the person you put in 4.
The person in 5 is the one you who knows you very well.
The person in 6 is your lucky star.
The song in 8 is the song that matches the person in 3.
The song in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
The song in 10 is the song that tells the most about you.
And the song in 11 tells how you feel about your life.

That's strange.

ravenchang @ 2006-01-13T04:48:00

2006-01-13T09:53:10Z

I'm dating Chris. He's amazing.

And yet, I can't stop thinking about you.

I hope you're well. It's been too long.

Can you make the world disappear?
I don't want to see anyone else.
And I can't turn away myself....

SOC

2005-10-18T14:43:45Z

I haven't seen Adrian since he ran out on me. I don't know what to do really. I don't want to hurt him but I want to see him. I realize how much that hurts him.

I want to see you if you want to see me. I realize things didn't end so well last time. I miss you so much. I'm going to go owl you now.

SOC

2005-09-19T17:25:42Z

I guess part of me was holding out hope that maybe Draco might owl me and tell me he'd made a huge mistake. He might say that things can be how they were and everything would just fall into place. It's silly the kind of hopes people hold onto. But I'm not doing that anymore. I'm sure Draco has forgotten about me after the horrible girlfriend that I was. I'm sure he hasn't had a hard time moving on. He wouldn't. The truth is, and I need to write this and see this:
Whatever we had is over. He is better off and happier now than he was with me. And I will be that way eventually.

I broke up with Adrian. I need a break from seeing someone exclusively for a while because I need to be sure I can really be with that person. I don't want to hurt someone like that... again. I'm sorry, Adrian, if you see this. Now I have to figure this out on my own.

*sigh*

SOC

2005-09-17T00:39:10Z

I have come the realization that I need to be alone. Which means, I have to break it off with Adrian. I need some time. Adrian deserves better than a girl who doesn't know where her heart is. And I think the only way to figure that out is to be by myself. I realize that I'm going to be risking losing him, but I think I need to figure out where my heart is before I'm with anyone. I never even gave him a chance because I was so in love with Draco. And now I've gone and led him on and he loves me. Really loves me and I... I don't know. I might love him. I know it's possible. I've felt flickers of it with him before, but I wouldn't let myself fall because of Draco. And then there's Chris. My best friend. My flatmate. He's amazing. And I know I love him. I don't know what all is there. I know something is there too. I don't know. With each of them, I feel right. I don't know where my heart is. I know where it was. With Draco. Completely. Possibly still even now. It's not fair of me to be with them like that. I'm a horrible person. I don't know how to tell Adrian. He'll be crushed. The last thing I've ever wanted to do was hurt him. Not that you could tell from my actions. Fuck. I'm a bitch. I should just leave them be to be happy with other people. I don't deserve such amazing men...

SOC

2005-09-05T03:38:02Z

[Private]
Draco and I are over. Completely. He deserves more than I have been. This will be for the best for him. And for me... it doesn't matter for me. I'll never stop loving that boy. There will always be part of me hoping for him. Wanting him. Loving him. I feel cold.
[/Private]

I've been studying alot recently. I've taken a practical test at training. I'm very excited at how well I'm doing. I had my first meeting with Remus a while ago. It went okay. I learned some interesting things about him. I think it was a good introduction. I'll need him to help me with some hexes next time. I'm hoping maybe I can go with him to fight off something sometime. I guess we'll have to see about that.

I'm not feeling particularly social. *sigh*

SOC

2005-09-03T18:08:41Z

Chris is moving in with me! I needed a roommate and this works out perfectly. Why not live with your best friend? I can't wait!

SOC

2005-08-16T16:12:46Z

[PRIVATE]
Adrian said he loves me, but I don't know if I feel that for him. There's definitely desire there. I want to be around him. There's comfort there. It doesn't feel like love though... or maybe just not yet? Maybe we just need to get to know each other better. I mean, there's alot to love there, I'm sure of that. I just don't feel it quite yet. We do fit well together though...

Draco and I are supposed to meet on Monday. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I mean, I love him. The heart-breaking kind of love. I just don't know if we're too different now. I believed he was the one for me, but maybe he's not. I mean, I'm not sure if we're on the same page anymore. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to fully shake him though. I don't know if it matters who I end up with, if it's not Draco, will I ever be able to feel as strongly about him as I did about Draco? I don't know...

Chris is my best friend. Hands down. I'm closer to him than to anyone else. But I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more there. After Adrian hit him and we walked home together... I started to wonder. All these feelings came rushing into my head. The way he looked and touched my hand... Maybe it was just all the emotion of the night or something. I couldn't possibly be falling for Chris. He's my best friend. They say that's how the best relationships start. And I've always thought that...
[/PRIVATE]

SOC

2005-08-13T05:13:11Z

I hung out with Chris last night. Adrian came in drunk and ended up hitting Chris and saying he loved me. I can't believe all this. It still seems surreal. Chris is okay, which is good.

[Private to Chris]
Thank you for being so wonderful. Can I see you again soon? Some evening this week maybe?
[/Private to Chris]

[PRIVATE]
I think I have to meet Draco again. I need to figure out what's there or what's not. I'm scared to find out that there's nothing there. I want something there. I thought he was my one. Maybe he's not. Maybe I just thought that because... I don't know.
[/PRIVATE]

SOC

2005-08-11T03:43:21Z

[PRIVATE]
The more I think about it, the more I think Draco's not the one for me. I mean, he didn't warm up at all to me. We haven't seen each other in how long and he just acted like I was just some girl. I don't know. It's like he doesn't get me at all. I really think that he doesn't get that it's not always easy for me to be reminded constantly that he's killed people. I don't know what to do. One one hand, he's there somewhere. Somewhere in that body. It's not like I expect him to be exactly the same, but I would've thought there would've been some flicker of something in his eyes when he saw me. When we touched. Something. Maybe it's one of those cases of too much of a past. It's not easy to love a killer who doesn't show any recognition of loving you.
[/PRIVATE]

I love having time off when I have stuff to do. I guess I'm one of those people who prefers not to be idle. Yeah, I could see that about myself.

I do miss school though.

SOC

2005-08-09T14:47:44Z

My head is spinning. I've either been drinking or thinking too much.

[PRIVATE]
Draco,
I'm sorry I've been such a horrible girlfriend. I've been thinking alot. I hope you'll give me a chance to make up for our last meeting. I'm a silly girl who doesn't think things through. I have an idea. Please let me know when we can meet. I love you for always.
Cho.
[/PRIVATE]

SOC

2005-08-08T06:10:39Z

[PRIVATE]
It's basically over with Draco now. I don't have what it takes to bring out the feeling in him. It's there, I'm sure. But what is the point of having a relationship, of loving someone who doesn't seem capable of loving you back? I don't see him as who he once was. As the guy I fell in love with. I'll have to tell him soon. I don't even want to live if I cannot be loved by him.
[/PRIVATE]

I need an escape.